Hey Carlyn, back when I believed I was female, my best friend looked like a supermodel. Lol of course I felt like such an ugly mug. Neither of us were interested in dating. At one point, my dad randomly thought she was a lesbian and into me. But much later, my dad thought I was a lesbian and into her. Lolll that's all ridiculous.
We're not friends anymore, since she was being such a transphobe. But yeah I felt that strong sense of social hierarchy among girls. It's so sad. My parents being obsessed with external appearances didn't help. I'm not sure if I self-deprecated, since I didn't feel that confident anyway (though that's a me problem, not a girl problem).
Oh I do remember my parents complimenting my female friends for being attractive. My mom once said to me, "You're pretty, but too bad you're not as pretty as those white girls."
Omg! Yeah an obsession with looks plus racism really sucks. :( While there is still lookism among men (especially interesting among queer men, where other men are both rivals and potential partners at the same time), it's certainly not as terrible among women. I admit that ever since I started looking male to most people, I've gradually become less concerned with my appearance. I've become more concerned with my income, though. 🤣 Maybe even I couldn't escape these gender influences! Even as a trans person who is nonbinary.
It's shitty when you start to believe people like you for superficial reasons. I try to avoid these people. As a woman of a certain age, you start to care less as your perky bits head south. It's liberating. ;)
This was such an enlightening essay. You know that feeling when you know something so well and you can explain it in pictures, but one day you're casually walking down the road and someone says the one word that explains it all? This one did it for me.
In general, a woman's lizard brain weakness in is jealousy.
To me, jealousy is a really cool core emotion. It's based in fear, and it informs future planning. But it also has an element of maintaining now expectations. Jealousy informs self protection, because babies need mamas, and mamas raise kings. I can see the evolutionary purpose of this. To protect the species, the mother has to protect herself by all means. And jealousy is the radar to detect threat.
We don't live on the savanna anymore. But it makes sense that jealousy, her cousin envy, rage, anger continues to flow so easily in the person female.
Jealousy is fascinating because it's an emotion that everyone has to some degree but not everyone will admit it. I equate jealousy with fear - fear that you will lose something you value to someone else. And your comment made me connect the two. Fear keeps us alive. More so when we were on the Savanna avoiding predators but still important for survival. I always enjoy your comments!
What an amazing article which takes thousands of years of biological training enforced by patriarchal based societies, and as a man, taking the time to learn about proper active listening and feminism.
I get it so much more now.
Compliments are the opposite of Lay's chips ... one is enough, and more is too much, but if you only have "one" chance you better make sure that it is a compliment that embraces both the "look" and the "action" of the woman.
Wow, Caryln you look amazing , and given how busy you are with all those books and articles you look even better in person then on your TV interview.
<insert Carlyn push back>
<Alan reading the room after the article>
So what are you up today, time for a coffee or a meal today or sometime so we can catch up?
Hmm. I don’t like compliments about my appearance because I don’t believe they’re sincere. I hate insincerity. The thought of anyone thinking I actually believe their insincere compliment is unbearable to me! I don’t want or need compliments on my appearance, to which I devote very little effort now. If you tell me I look great and I’m wearing a dress I paid $20 for 10 years ago, and my hair is in a ponytail, I’m going to feel like, “why the hell did she feel the need to say anything at all?” Compliment me on something I accomplished that I’m proud of!
Reading this article was enlightening. It helps explain why I’ve always struggled with female relationships. Because I am very attractive, I’ve spent my whole life self deprecating so others feel better. It doesn’t mean I lack confidence, it’s my attempt to be less threatening to other women. It’s never worked. Men gravitate to me. Young/old it doesn’t matter. I’m a magnet.
I've learned to say thank you...
Not easy but doable.
Hey Carlyn, back when I believed I was female, my best friend looked like a supermodel. Lol of course I felt like such an ugly mug. Neither of us were interested in dating. At one point, my dad randomly thought she was a lesbian and into me. But much later, my dad thought I was a lesbian and into her. Lolll that's all ridiculous.
We're not friends anymore, since she was being such a transphobe. But yeah I felt that strong sense of social hierarchy among girls. It's so sad. My parents being obsessed with external appearances didn't help. I'm not sure if I self-deprecated, since I didn't feel that confident anyway (though that's a me problem, not a girl problem).
Oh I do remember my parents complimenting my female friends for being attractive. My mom once said to me, "You're pretty, but too bad you're not as pretty as those white girls."
Omg! Yeah an obsession with looks plus racism really sucks. :( While there is still lookism among men (especially interesting among queer men, where other men are both rivals and potential partners at the same time), it's certainly not as terrible among women. I admit that ever since I started looking male to most people, I've gradually become less concerned with my appearance. I've become more concerned with my income, though. 🤣 Maybe even I couldn't escape these gender influences! Even as a trans person who is nonbinary.
It's shitty when you start to believe people like you for superficial reasons. I try to avoid these people. As a woman of a certain age, you start to care less as your perky bits head south. It's liberating. ;)
This was such an enlightening essay. You know that feeling when you know something so well and you can explain it in pictures, but one day you're casually walking down the road and someone says the one word that explains it all? This one did it for me.
In general, a woman's lizard brain weakness in is jealousy.
To me, jealousy is a really cool core emotion. It's based in fear, and it informs future planning. But it also has an element of maintaining now expectations. Jealousy informs self protection, because babies need mamas, and mamas raise kings. I can see the evolutionary purpose of this. To protect the species, the mother has to protect herself by all means. And jealousy is the radar to detect threat.
We don't live on the savanna anymore. But it makes sense that jealousy, her cousin envy, rage, anger continues to flow so easily in the person female.
But mostly I'm grateful for your writing.
Jealousy is fascinating because it's an emotion that everyone has to some degree but not everyone will admit it. I equate jealousy with fear - fear that you will lose something you value to someone else. And your comment made me connect the two. Fear keeps us alive. More so when we were on the Savanna avoiding predators but still important for survival. I always enjoy your comments!
I dunno man, i must be weird cuz i can feed off compliments all day.
literally, wanna get my attention real quick? compliment me!
and yes words of affirmation are one of my love languages 😇🥲
however i noticed that if you’re insecure and/or lack self love then you tend to hate or not believe in the compliments people give you, my 2 cents.
What an amazing article which takes thousands of years of biological training enforced by patriarchal based societies, and as a man, taking the time to learn about proper active listening and feminism.
I get it so much more now.
Compliments are the opposite of Lay's chips ... one is enough, and more is too much, but if you only have "one" chance you better make sure that it is a compliment that embraces both the "look" and the "action" of the woman.
Wow, Caryln you look amazing , and given how busy you are with all those books and articles you look even better in person then on your TV interview.
<insert Carlyn push back>
<Alan reading the room after the article>
So what are you up today, time for a coffee or a meal today or sometime so we can catch up?
Etc.
Brilliant article.
Hmm. I don’t like compliments about my appearance because I don’t believe they’re sincere. I hate insincerity. The thought of anyone thinking I actually believe their insincere compliment is unbearable to me! I don’t want or need compliments on my appearance, to which I devote very little effort now. If you tell me I look great and I’m wearing a dress I paid $20 for 10 years ago, and my hair is in a ponytail, I’m going to feel like, “why the hell did she feel the need to say anything at all?” Compliment me on something I accomplished that I’m proud of!
Reading this article was enlightening. It helps explain why I’ve always struggled with female relationships. Because I am very attractive, I’ve spent my whole life self deprecating so others feel better. It doesn’t mean I lack confidence, it’s my attempt to be less threatening to other women. It’s never worked. Men gravitate to me. Young/old it doesn’t matter. I’m a magnet.