The Real Reason Women Struggle to Accept Compliments

And no, it’s not because they lack self-confidence.

Artwork: © Carlyn Beccia | www.CarlynBeccia.com

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I recently met my friend Helena* out for dinner, and we greeted each other with a verbal battle that should sound familiar to anyone who identifies as a woman.

I hugged her and pulled back. “Look at you. You look maaaaaarvelous.”

Helena pawed at her dress as if I had thrown acid on her.

“No, I look like a fat pregnant cow. YOU look stunning,” she countered.

“No, no…YOU look stunning. I look like an old, fat pregnant cow with dangling teats.” (You can bet I twisted my nipples for effect.)

Helena threw the compliment grenade back at me.

“Pleeeeeasease. Next to you, I look like a maggot-infested sore on a fat pregnant cow’s dangling teat.”

God damn it. I was not losing this one.

“Shut up, you beautiful, Byronic poem-inspiring creature. I look like a maggot-infested sore on a fat pregnant cow’s dangling teet, pissing sour milk, blood, and some puss-filled cheese curd substance that no one can identify.”

Score. Helena suddenly looked uncomfortable.

No one ordered burgers that night. Or the cheese plate.

Right about now, my female readers are remembering all the times they had similar compliment battles, and my male readers are annoyed I didn’t continue with the nipple-twisting subplot. ( I will save that for Sunday’s post…)

But this exchange begs a more salient question - Why do so many women play hot potato with compliments? Why can’t we just graciously accept a compliment and move on?

Let’s allow the philosophers to weigh in. François de La Rochefoucauld would have wagged a finger at me and repeated his aphorism, “A refusal of praise is a desire to be praised twice.”

Ouch. But not so fast, Roche. The rules don’t always apply to women.

When a woman downplays a compliment, she is not always phishing for more compliments. Nor do women who self-deprecate always lack confidence.

While yes, some women suck at taking a compliment because of low self-esteem, others are cleverly engaging in age-old evolutionary behavior.

When a woman sidesteps a compliment, she is really sidestepping jealousy.

In other words, women put themself down not because they are trying to build themselves up but because they are trying to build others up.

Now, I won’t claim this behavior is healthy. But sadly, it does work. Women deal with their fair share of jealousy, and pretty women must dodge more envy arrows. Thus, our lizard-brain reaction to appearance compliments is to take up less space and appear less threatening.

The research will back up my anecdotal observations. Meta-analyses studying romantic relationships have found gender differences in jealousy. In attempts to mate poach, women are more likely to feel threatened by an attractive competitor, while men are more likely to feel threatened by a dominant competitor.

One could argue that men have the smarter approach. Women should fear the romantic rival who is aggressively pursuing their man and not the one whose only crime is looking pretty. Not to mention, unattractive women mate poach just as often as attractive women.

Maddening as it may be, women must slay more green-eyed monsters than men. Unfortunately, the research on “Pulchronomics” — the economics of physical attractiveness — is contradictory. While pretty privilege definitely exists on many levels, doors can slam in your face if you're too attractive. At least, that is what a study from the Graduate Recruitment Bureau found.

In this study, researchers sent out over 5,000 CVs of female job candidates with the same qualifications, with one difference—some candidates were pretty, and others were not.

The researchers found attractive women were twice as likely to be refused a job interview as unattractive women. Meanwhile, for men, the opposite was true. Attractive men were twice as likely to get an interview than their less good-looking rivals.

For women, prettiness can be a liability in not only getting a job but keeping a job. In one Harvard Business Review study, researchers created mock articles about layoffs using fake photos of attractive and unattractive female executives. They then asked the participants to rate whether the executive should be shown the door. The results should surprise no one.

When the executive was an attractive woman, respondents were more likely to vote for her termination.

It’s a sobering reminder for a society hungry for beauty’s poisoned apple. It also explains why men don’t dodge appearance compliments as often as women do. In a study no one needed, compliments on one’s physical appearance in a job interview setting caused women to have a “significant increase in anxiety and depression” while men were unaffected.

Well, duh. For decades, women have had to fight harder to be judged for their skills and not their appearance. Meanwhile, men long for more compliments on their physical desirability. Both sides can do better.

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François de La Rochefoucauld also said, “Jealousy contains more of self-love than love.” Now follow my f*cked-up circuitous logic…

When friends debate “Who is a bigger fat cow,” they often downplay self-love while replacing it with love for others. In some situations, that might be appropriate. In others, just accept the damn compliment. We all have better things to do than to debate whose arse is fatter.

*Names changed.

Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. Subscribe to Conversations with Carlyn for free content every Wednesday, or become a paid subscriber to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.