I Didn’t Go to Harvard, But Harvard May Keep Me Alive

You want to stick it to Harvard? Cool. Cool. I hope you never get sick.

Harvard Medical School in the Longwood Medical and Academic Area in Boston | Wikipedia

If you enjoyed this article, please share it with a friend or consider becoming a paid subscriber. Weekday articles are free. Sunday’s article is for paid subscribers only.

Let’s talk turds.

Most kids don’t grow up learning the alphabet through their bowel movements, but mine did. The letter S, to be precise — the gold standard of healthy stool shape, according to the Bristol Stool Chart. While other kids were learning how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, mine were memorizing that “mushy consistency with ragged edges” was a sign to call Mom.

Over time, analyzing the shape, texture, and floatability of my children’s bowel movements became something of a witchy hobby. While most parents obsess over screen time or sugar intake, I was grilling my toddlers about their poop consistency like they were giving a TED Talk on gastrointestinal transit. “Snake or cow patty?” I’d ask. “One log or a trilogy?”

I wasn’t trying to traumatize my kids. I was trying to save them.

You see, I have both ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s disease — a full GI symphony of inflammation, bleeding, and unpredictability. And I live with the constant fear that I’ve handed this genetic booby trap to my kids.

But here’s the thing about genetic monsters: you can’t out-parent them. You need science. You need research. You need a lab full of underpaid, sleep-deprived scientists who can barely afford rent in Cambridge because they’re too busy mapping the human genome and decoding the microbiome.

Which brings me to Harvard.

In conservative circles, the new favorite refrain from the Harvard haters goes something like this: “Harvard’s a private institution. They can do what they want, but they shouldn’t get federal funding for it.”

Of course, when Uncle Randy in a “Own the Libs” hat hears “Harvard gets federal money,” he imagines it’s going straight into trust fund dorm parties, $40 avocado toast, and a Gender Studies degree in “Furry Marxism.”

Yeah, so Uncle Randy needs to sit this one out.

Here’s the truth. In fiscal year 2024, Harvard received $686 million from federal agencies, accounting for about 11% of its total operating revenue. This funding is allocated specifically for research projects — Long COVID, ALS, cancers, and yes, autoimmune diseases like mine. This funding is not a blank check for the university’s general expenses.

In other words, not a dime of that went to tuition, landscaping, or giving Sasha from Scarsdale a better view of the Charles River.

Take ulcerative colitis and Crohn’s. Through the Broad Institute (a Harvard-MIT partnership), researchers mapped over 200 genetic variants tied to inflammatory bowel disease, shaping treatment plans and trial design across the globe. That’s not just academic curiosity. That’s why I’m not in the hospital today.

Harvard researchers were also part of a team that pinned down Epstein-Barr virus as the likely trigger for multiple sclerosis. That discovery opened the door to someday developing an MS vaccine. But now? Follow-up research is stalled thanks to federal funding cuts to 1000 research grants. Thanks, Trump. Not all of us can shit into a gold toilet while the world’s best doctors whisper treatment plans through the bathroom fan.

So let’s talk receipts. Here’s what Harvard’s federally funded research has delivered to the public in recent years:

• Mapped the human genome (via the Broad Institute) — the foundation of personalized medicine.

• Checkpoint inhibitor therapy — revolutionized cancer treatment.

• CRISPR gene editing — now curing sickle cell disease.

• Long COVID diagnostics — critical care for millions still suffering.

• Liquid biopsies — catching cancer through a blood test

• Genetic risk maps for Crohn’s/UC — better, faster IBD treatments

• Mental health breakthroughs — ketamine for treatment-resistant depression.

• Alzheimer’s progression tracking — changing how we diagnose and treat cognitive decline

This research isn’t Harvard being “woke.” This is Harvard keeping you alive long enough to keep whining about Harvard.

Of course, the next argument from conservatives is that Harvard already gets endowments from individuals, alums, and sometimes corporations or government agencies. But those endowments are not a blank check.

An endowment is a giant investment account comprising thousands of donated funds, each with strings attached. Think of it like a massive spreadsheet full of tiny trust funds: one is labeled “scholarships for rural kids,” another says “fund ALS research,” and another might say “keep the lights on in Widener Library.” Every dollar has a job, and Harvard can’t just move it around like Monopoly money.

So when people say, “Harvard has $53 billion. Why does it need taxpayer money?” the answer is: Because that $53 billion isn’t free money. It’s restricted. You can’t use a scholarship fund for low-income undergrads to pay for cancer research. That would be illegal, not to mention the fastest way to get haunted by a very pissed-off donor.

Better yet, think of it like this: if your local fire department got a million-dollar donation to build a new station, would you then cut its city funding for trucks, hoses, and training? Of course not. Because that funding is tied to public safety. Same thing here. You don’t pull research dollars just because the building has marble columns.

So sorry, Harvard haters, you think you’re sticking it to the Ivy League? Nah. You’re shivving the lab tech who was about to make my guts stop bleeding. And unless your immune system is immortal and your colon is made of Teflon, maybe don’t burn the research institutions that may someday keep you and those you love alive.

“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” — Isaac Asimov

You don’t think about who discovered a treatment when you’re in the ER, begging surgeons not to cut out your colon. You don’t Google institutional funding sources when your kid wakes up crying with stomach pain. You just want someone — anyone — to have done the work that makes it stop.

So when I hear people say, “Harvard shouldn’t get our taxpayer money,” I want to ask them: Does Crohn’s care where your diploma came from? Does diabetes check your zip code? Does cancer ask if you vote red or blue?

I never went to Harvard, but I live 15 minutes from Cambridge. Every time I drive by those fancy iron gates, I say to my kids, “That’s the school that funds some of the research behind your mom’s disease.” They nod in silence. (I would like to think their silence signifies respect, but they might just have their headphones on and are tuning me out.)

Still, Harvard’s research might help keep me alive long enough to dance at their weddings. And if my kids inherit this disease — and every parent of a genetic illness knows that low, constant thrum of worry — then I want to believe someone out there is studying how to stop it. Someone with a microscope, a federally funded grant, and zero concern about political optics.

And yes, that “someone” might be working at Harvard.

Because here’s the grim reality. If you live long enough, cancer is inevitable. That’s just math. One in two men. One in three women. Your odds aren’t great.

But here’s the good news: cancer isn’t the death sentence it once was. And that’s because of research — some of it funded by the NIH, and a lot of it happening inside places like Harvard.

Checkpoint inhibitors. Liquid biopsies. Personalized treatment based on your genes, not guesswork. That didn’t come from RFK’s cod liver oil cure, a think tank, or a YouTube wellness guru. It came from scientists who studied cells for decades, most of them tucked inside institutions people love to hate.

Listen, I understand the resentment. Harvard represents something big and elite. They have made their mistakes, acknowledged them, and have promised to do better.

But when the biopsy comes back positive, or your immune system turns on you, all of that moral handwringing fades away. What matters is whether someone has done the work.

And they have.

We don’t all get into Harvard. We don’t all even like Harvard. But we all deserve the science it produces.

Congratulations to all the recent Harvard graduates.

Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. Subscribe to Conversations with Carlyn for free content every Wednesday, or become a paid subscriber to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.