Do Men Marry Their Mothers?

One researcher found three types of mothers have a dangerous influence on men.

Photo by Elina Fairytale from Pexels

*This article first appeared in Heart Affairs on Dec 6, 2021.

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I went on a date recently with a man who confessed he had qualms about meeting me. His reason was that my name sounded too similar to his mother's name.

I don't do mother-prying on a first date.

But my curiosity had to be sated. It was time for a deep dive into this age-old debate — are men attracted to women who remind them of their mothers?

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Researchers have long understood the impact of "sexual imprinting" on mate selection. Simply put, humans prefer mates that are most similar to the opposite-sex parent. We see this mating game in every species, from baboons to butterflies.

In one creepy study, random subjects were asked to match photographs of wives to pictures of their husbands' mothers. The participants were scary good at this matching game. They were so good at it that they even had more success matching each woman to her mother-in-law than they did matching the woman to her husband.

This research isn't surprising. You probably have already noticed that men tend to choose women that resemble their mothers. One study found that the best predictor of a man's partner choice was if she had the same hair and eye color as his mom. Freud would have had a field day with that one.

But it gets stranger for anyone labeled a "MILF." Another study found that men were most attracted to women who resembled their mothers' age when they were born. Consequently, men with younger moms were more likely to choose more youthful women. Men with older moms were more likely to choose older women.

I erroneously believed that men are mainly attracted to older women for their self-assuredness and witty repartee, while other men are drawn to younger women because they are more fertile and attractive. But it turns out their moms are lurking in the shadows.

Most interestingly, a man may avoid a certain woman if she reminds him too much of his mother. One study found that when a son felt love and respect for his mother, he was more likely to choose a wife similar to his mother. But if his mother withheld affection creating a strained relationship, he was more likely to choose a wife dissimilar to his mother.

But it is those unhealthy mother/son relationships that will spell the most trouble.

According to Dr. Elizabeth Yardley, Professor of Criminology and author of Mothers And Murderers: A True Story Of Love, Lies, Obsession …and Second Chances, if you ignore the mother/son bond, you may end up in a body bag.

Yardley argues that mothers have more influence on men's personalities than dads because our mothers frame our first experience with selfless nurturing and protection. While fathers are viewed as providers, mothers teach young men the meaning of unconditional love.

And that is a lesson that has a prolonged impact on behavioral development.

In her research, Yardley found murderers share some common relationship dynamics with their mothers. She breaks unhealthy mother/son relationships into three phenotypes. And although her research focuses on deviant behavior, her characterizations accurately describe many rocky mother/son relationships.

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The anti-mother

The anti-mother is the classic Hitchcockian shrew. She usually grew up in an unstable environment with domestic abuse. But instead of healing her trauma wounds, she becomes a brutal aggressor, thereby repeating the cycle of abuse.

Her son then repeats that abuse with his wife. This is the classic trauma pattern we see in many abusive relationships.

To be clear, not all men with abusive mothers will become abusers themselves. Many will self-inflict or internalize their trauma. Others will simply rise above their past and make wiser decisions.

Still, some men will choose problematic women to right the wrongs of their childhood. For example, if a man has a hypercritical and verbally abusive mother, he may choose an equally verbally abusive wife. He chooses this unhealthy partner not because he is attracted to abusive women. He chooses her because he is attracted to familiar women. And those seeds of familiarity were planted by his mother.

In other situations, men with anti-mothers will choose a subservient woman they can control because they lack control over their mother.

The bottom line is this — pay attention to any man who describes his mother as abusive. He most likely has had his share of mother demons to battle.

The uber-mother

If you are dating a man with an uber-mother…buckle up. You are in for a rough ride to get her approval. I had one ex-boyfriend whose mother thought I was a golddigger even though I had ten times more wealth than him. He was so fearful of his mother’s opinion that he refused to even introduce me, and that was a dealbreaker for me. No self-respecting woman will stay with a man who keeps her hidden from his mother.

The uber-mother has one quintessential flaw that will corrode any relationship — she is obsessed with status.

The uber-mother often grew up with restrictions that prevented her from climbing the social ladder — racial discrimination, classism, poverty, etc. Now, she is determined her son will get all the trappings of status that she did not.

Consequently, the uber-mother micromanages her son's dating life. She has such high standards for his future wife that she will often cut down anyone he dates with ruthless manipulation tactics.

Unfortunately, the yardstick that she uses to judge her son's future mates has a degree of venality. A woman can be perfect on paper and still be a truly horrible person.

The passive mother

The passive mother was the "good girl." She followed societal expectations and avoided rocking the patriarchal boat. As a result, the passive mother avoids conflict with her son. Unfortunately, that avoidant parenting style also leads to a lack of discipline.

When her son does act out, she uses the "boys will be boys" excuse or tells herself that it is just a phase he will outgrow. Don't all boys bully others? Ah, no, they don't. Children need boundaries, but the passive mother is too fearful of setting those boundaries.

The passive mother's failure to parent her son leads to denial and gaslighting of anyone who tries to shine a harsh black light on her son's misdeeds. This guy runs roughshod over his mother and is now conditioned to manipulate other women.

On a less harmful note, the passive mother often mollycoddles her son to the point of helplessness. We all know the problems that arise with "mama’s boys." These men are often intimidated and emasculated by women who have financial or career success.

Personally, I find older men (40+) are more likely to choose subservient women than younger men. One theory is that older men were raised by mothers who valued domesticity more than their careers. So when they meet a successful woman, it scrambles their brains.

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We don't have to play armchair psychology to understand why men ultimately choose wives that remind them of their mothers. If the first person who took care of you and made you feel safe and secure was your mother, then you will choose a partner who evokes those same feelings.

Overall, most men are drawn to nurturing women for this exact reason. Unfortunately, it can become problematic if nurture supersedes nature. In other words, men can have lackluster sexual relationships with their wives if they view them only as caretakers.

Nothing kills a couple's sex life quicker than when the wife becomes the maid.

So, gentlemen, maybe if your goal is hot romps in the bedroom and not your laundry folded, then you should choose the woman who is absolutely nothing like dear, sweet mom. Or at least make sure she doesn't have a similar name.

Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. If you enjoyed this article, please share this publication with friends. Wednesday’s content is always free. Sunday’s content is available only for paid subscribers.