Dating *apps* (phone apps) might be dead, dating *sites* are not, in the sense of there being a million Jewish Singles Who Like Knitting kinds of sites. There is one for single parents, for example.
The problem is rather the difference between sitting down to a computer and writing and reading profiles vs. swiping on a phone app. The later is infinitely more lazy and attracts a lazy and superficial demographic.
Totally agree. Remember OkCupid's long questionaires? I loved reading how someone responded to a question to get a feel for who they were. It felt like snooping but it was still better than this swiping nonsense.
I like the ritual aspect of it. I think it might encourage a day of stepping outside comfort zones. But we need a new name for it that channels more brat girl lust.
You almost certainly have your finger more on the pulse of things than I do, so you might be right. However, personally, my thought is that keeping it cute and wholesome makes it both less intimidating and would increase the positive peer pressure to join in ("it's no big deal, just do it, everyone else is"). Maybe I'm just an old ass man now, and pardon me for being slightly NSFW, but I could see a lot of girls( & their parents) and women not wanting to sign up for something like, "Girl, you get that D-Day," which would naturally just get shortened to "D-Day." Although that would be absolutely hilarious I think a lot of women wouldn't get on board.
This is fantastic. I've stopped even bothering to get a date. Dating sites are a joke. Asking a woman out is perceived as some violation or harassment. So. Here. We. Are. Alone.
Yeah, it's really hard. I have been compiling of list of my favorite activities to meet people for a future article. Some were a bust. And some at least extended my friend circle. But even if you socialize like mad, it's still hard. And if you are in a rural area...well, your options are limited. I do predict that this backlash against dating apps will have many people moving to meetups, hobbies, and friend introductions once again. Dating apps got their pound of flesh.
Some empathy for men? In this economy? Amazing. Really enjoyed reading this.
Quit Bumble before they updated it to let men write first. The amount of times I was ghosted right away or simply hit with a "hi" (not even "how are you") made me feel really undervalued. Dating Apps are silly spaces.
>(Note: Ivan didn’t make a single objectifying comment about her appearance.)
Wait a bit, "you have beautiful eyes" would be objectifying now?
I think objectification has a definition: it is reduction to physical properties. So mentioning appearance is not objectifying, rather ONLY mentioning appearance is.
I would totally do this kind of thing if it were not for the fear of being called "creepy." No response or any degree of "No" is fine; however, being judged as being awful for just trying to exist in this often crazy world is heart breaking.
It's funny I had no trouble asking a girl out before I got hitched a few years back. A lot of guys are both afraid of looking like a creep and get nervous because they raise the stake way too high; taking a women's response as a definitive judgment on their general worthiness as a person. It's not hard once you realize her impression of you likely isn't an accurate and total judgement of your entire self. Fortunately for me, Office Space came out when I was 16 and Ron Livingston's low key confident approach to Jennifer Aniston in Office Space actually works and makes you come off ok even when it doesn't.
However, all that said, I would never, in a million years, leave physical evidence of an attempt around like this guy did. I hope it works out between them and they both together figure out a way to deal with that guy's massive cojones.
Why be fearful of the label "creepy"? Women typically aren't interested in cowards, if you're scared of strangers labelling you how can you defend your family from a genuinely scary threat?
You won't have much of a chance with any of the female friends of the woman who accuses you of being creepy, but the world is a big place, and why would you want to associate with her friends anyway? Regardless of whether you find it easier or harder to be courageous in different situations, it's still a necessary virtue for men.
It's almost as if High School doesn't reflect wider reality and most men and women realise this once they leave school and start interacting with adults.
There’s always a bit of equivocation in articles like this that irks me. Sure, most men on dating apps just send dick pics and can’t quote ancient philosophers. But the guy who sends dick pics doesn’t turn into an eloquent classicist once he puts his phone down and goes outside. Maybe he behaves better IRL, but he’s still a wastrel! The good men, and even just the non-wastrel men, are also scarce IRL.
You could argue that you have *some* fragmentary chance of bagging Mr. Darcy IRL, which beats *zero* chance on dating apps. I’d disagree. It’s not impossible to find Mr. Darcy on Hinge; you just need to horse-trade the signifiers discerningly. It’s not easy, but it never was. The Regency marriage market would also have swallowed most of us whole.
I never said you couldn't meet someone on a dating app. I said it's one way to meet people that requires a very different transactional approach. Austen would have mastered dating apps.
I'd argue that if the good men and women were more active (rather than passively waiting, or simply giving up), that the currently-useless men (dick pics) and women (InstaSham booty shots) would have to improve a bit.
In my professional world of fitness, we have a saying that "my competition isn't other gyms, it's the couch." I think it's the same in dating - your competition isn't other men or women, it's people's idleness. Most aren't even trying, unfortunately. Ivan put himself out there, good on him. But I note there's no mention of whether she actually called him.
What exactly is the need for this raising of standards at all levels, though? The actual complaint of articles of this genre isn't "mate values across the board are lower than they should be". The complaint is "I can't find someone of high mate value". A pertinent complaint, to be sure. But it has always been difficult to find and seal the deal with a partner good enough to pull you up to the next rung. This difficulty is the whole point of Pride and Prejudice!
Cool aphorism about the couch, though. I'll take that to heart for when I feel like skipping cardio.
Rather than looking for a partner to pull you up a rung, pull your own lazy arse up a rung, and see who you find up there with you - or looking up at you, and who decides to follow you.
If you don’t understand the good in striving for excellence in all things in society, then we have no common ground as human beings.
Dating *apps* (phone apps) might be dead, dating *sites* are not, in the sense of there being a million Jewish Singles Who Like Knitting kinds of sites. There is one for single parents, for example.
The problem is rather the difference between sitting down to a computer and writing and reading profiles vs. swiping on a phone app. The later is infinitely more lazy and attracts a lazy and superficial demographic.
Totally agree. Remember OkCupid's long questionaires? I loved reading how someone responded to a question to get a feel for who they were. It felt like snooping but it was still better than this swiping nonsense.
Would bringing back Sadie Hawkins Day help?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadie_Hawkins_Day
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadie_Hawkins_dance
I remember it from Middle School in the early 1990s, but I get the feeling it's died out since, maybe I'm wrong
I like the ritual aspect of it. I think it might encourage a day of stepping outside comfort zones. But we need a new name for it that channels more brat girl lust.
You almost certainly have your finger more on the pulse of things than I do, so you might be right. However, personally, my thought is that keeping it cute and wholesome makes it both less intimidating and would increase the positive peer pressure to join in ("it's no big deal, just do it, everyone else is"). Maybe I'm just an old ass man now, and pardon me for being slightly NSFW, but I could see a lot of girls( & their parents) and women not wanting to sign up for something like, "Girl, you get that D-Day," which would naturally just get shortened to "D-Day." Although that would be absolutely hilarious I think a lot of women wouldn't get on board.
Again, I could be wrong.
This is fantastic. I've stopped even bothering to get a date. Dating sites are a joke. Asking a woman out is perceived as some violation or harassment. So. Here. We. Are. Alone.
Yeah, it's really hard. I have been compiling of list of my favorite activities to meet people for a future article. Some were a bust. And some at least extended my friend circle. But even if you socialize like mad, it's still hard. And if you are in a rural area...well, your options are limited. I do predict that this backlash against dating apps will have many people moving to meetups, hobbies, and friend introductions once again. Dating apps got their pound of flesh.
Some empathy for men? In this economy? Amazing. Really enjoyed reading this.
Quit Bumble before they updated it to let men write first. The amount of times I was ghosted right away or simply hit with a "hi" (not even "how are you") made me feel really undervalued. Dating Apps are silly spaces.
>(Note: Ivan didn’t make a single objectifying comment about her appearance.)
Wait a bit, "you have beautiful eyes" would be objectifying now?
I think objectification has a definition: it is reduction to physical properties. So mentioning appearance is not objectifying, rather ONLY mentioning appearance is.
I would totally do this kind of thing if it were not for the fear of being called "creepy." No response or any degree of "No" is fine; however, being judged as being awful for just trying to exist in this often crazy world is heart breaking.
It's funny I had no trouble asking a girl out before I got hitched a few years back. A lot of guys are both afraid of looking like a creep and get nervous because they raise the stake way too high; taking a women's response as a definitive judgment on their general worthiness as a person. It's not hard once you realize her impression of you likely isn't an accurate and total judgement of your entire self. Fortunately for me, Office Space came out when I was 16 and Ron Livingston's low key confident approach to Jennifer Aniston in Office Space actually works and makes you come off ok even when it doesn't.
https://youtu.be/ZRfYAlVFryY?t=43
However, all that said, I would never, in a million years, leave physical evidence of an attempt around like this guy did. I hope it works out between them and they both together figure out a way to deal with that guy's massive cojones.
Why be fearful of the label "creepy"? Women typically aren't interested in cowards, if you're scared of strangers labelling you how can you defend your family from a genuinely scary threat?
Cause the label of creepy ruins your chances with all the other girls as well. Also, physical courage is much easier than social courage for many men.
You won't have much of a chance with any of the female friends of the woman who accuses you of being creepy, but the world is a big place, and why would you want to associate with her friends anyway? Regardless of whether you find it easier or harder to be courageous in different situations, it's still a necessary virtue for men.
Most guys learn all this in High School, where a bad label fucks your entire dating pool.
It's almost as if High School doesn't reflect wider reality and most men and women realise this once they leave school and start interacting with adults.
No shit, but habits die hard, etc.
The question is: did she call Ivan?
I wish I knew. I contacted her for a follow up and she did not respond.
That means she didn't call him.
If she'd gone on a date and it led to disaster or joy, she'd tell people.
But hey, at least his courage and decency got her some likes on social media.
There’s always a bit of equivocation in articles like this that irks me. Sure, most men on dating apps just send dick pics and can’t quote ancient philosophers. But the guy who sends dick pics doesn’t turn into an eloquent classicist once he puts his phone down and goes outside. Maybe he behaves better IRL, but he’s still a wastrel! The good men, and even just the non-wastrel men, are also scarce IRL.
You could argue that you have *some* fragmentary chance of bagging Mr. Darcy IRL, which beats *zero* chance on dating apps. I’d disagree. It’s not impossible to find Mr. Darcy on Hinge; you just need to horse-trade the signifiers discerningly. It’s not easy, but it never was. The Regency marriage market would also have swallowed most of us whole.
I never said you couldn't meet someone on a dating app. I said it's one way to meet people that requires a very different transactional approach. Austen would have mastered dating apps.
I'd argue that if the good men and women were more active (rather than passively waiting, or simply giving up), that the currently-useless men (dick pics) and women (InstaSham booty shots) would have to improve a bit.
In my professional world of fitness, we have a saying that "my competition isn't other gyms, it's the couch." I think it's the same in dating - your competition isn't other men or women, it's people's idleness. Most aren't even trying, unfortunately. Ivan put himself out there, good on him. But I note there's no mention of whether she actually called him.
What exactly is the need for this raising of standards at all levels, though? The actual complaint of articles of this genre isn't "mate values across the board are lower than they should be". The complaint is "I can't find someone of high mate value". A pertinent complaint, to be sure. But it has always been difficult to find and seal the deal with a partner good enough to pull you up to the next rung. This difficulty is the whole point of Pride and Prejudice!
Cool aphorism about the couch, though. I'll take that to heart for when I feel like skipping cardio.
Rather than looking for a partner to pull you up a rung, pull your own lazy arse up a rung, and see who you find up there with you - or looking up at you, and who decides to follow you.
If you don’t understand the good in striving for excellence in all things in society, then we have no common ground as human beings.
This is a good article with true conclusions, but I think Carlyn just re-uploaded one of her pieces from Medium.
Wednesdays are recycled pieces from Medium. (Most of my readers are not Medium subscribers.) Sunday is new content only for paid subscribers.
Yes they did. I wish them a swift death. Cons all of them.