Trump Derangement Syndrome Is Now an Epidemic

At least 5 million Americans were infected last Saturday. Numbers are increasing. Epidemiologists are worried.

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The CDC (all five remaining employees) has issued an emergency alert following a massive outbreak of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) across all 50 states. The surge appears to have been triggered by the historic No Kings protest, in which over five million Americans took to the streets — the largest protest in U.S. history.

Infected Americans are exhibiting alarming symptoms, including spontaneous chanting, a severe allergic reaction to fascism, and — most alarmingly — a desire to quote the U.S. Constitution.

The spread has been too swift to contain. Experts believe the virus was first transmitted through immigrant and trans populations, then became airborne through contact with banned books, pronouns, DEI initiatives, and prolonged exposure to Rachel Maddow. In extreme cases, patients have developed empathy, nuanced political opinions, or sudden urges to fact-check their racist uncle.

Some physicians have even reported cases in which TDS victims go to protests one gender and come home another.

The Right is furious. Marjorie Taylor Greene appeared on Newsmax claiming TDS was “created in a Wuhan Whole Foods lab funded by George Soros,” and that the protestors were “paid crisis actors injected with woke juice.” Senator Nancy Mace blamed the virus’s spread on unsanitary conditions in Harvard bathrooms and suggested routine genital checks. Senator Josh Hawley warned that the virus may cause men to “cross their legs like French intellectuals” or an uncontrollable need to quote Voltaire.

Even Joe Rogan has been infected. Roganites knew he was exposed to TDS when he said it was wrong to pull immigrant babies out of their mothers’ arms and called for Trump’s impeachment.

Fortunately, President Trump remains virus-free, along with Vice President J.D. Vance. (Since the virus may enter through the eye’s mucus membranes, J.D. Vance has avoided exposure by lining his eyes with the ashes of dead liberals.)

Meanwhile, Fox News is now reporting that the microchip from the original COVID vaccine has “leaked liberal neurotoxin” into people’s frontal lobes, causing sudden-onset literacy and a dangerous overproduction of serotonin when exposed to clean water, sustainable energy, and pro-social educational programs.

To combat this radical left epidemic, Senator Justin Eichorn introduced SF2589 — a “Trump derangement syndrome bill.” However, his efforts were thwarted after he was allegedly caught soliciting a minor for sex during a prostitution sting. So there’s that.

Once Eichorn finishes his due process, he will return to take it away from everyone else.

The TDS mutation is even worse.

Scientists are now tracking a dangerous new strain of TDS, known as Trump Melodrama Syndrome (TMS).

While TDS causes empathy, conscientiousness, and a strong desire to preserve democracy, TMS is a full-blown psychopolitical condition, marked by theatrical victimhood, genital obsession, and an inability to go five minutes without screaming “free speech!” while banning Toni Morrison.

Even worse, experts have noticed that the syndrome causes the patient to perceive every peaceful protest as an insurrection, every immigrant as a violent MS-13 gang member, and every Target rainbow display as the Four Horsemen of the Wokepocalypse.

TMS hallucinatory symptoms include:

• An overproduction of dopamine, which causes excessive emotionality when exposed to human rights.

• Crowd envy

• Alien Nazi salute syndrome.

• Pigmentophobia — an extreme fear of anyone who is non-white.

• Sexual arousal in the presence of tanks. (If erection persists for more than three days, go to your local emergency room or look at pictures of Stephen Miller.)

Expert psychologist Dr. Harry Mengele explains, “If Trump Derangement Syndrome is the belief that opposing authoritarianism is irrational, then Trump Melodrama Syndrome is the belief that authoritarianism is necessary to stop imaginary threats.”

In response, Dr. Anthony Fauci has been pulled out of cryogenic storage and reactivated under Emergency Enlightenment Executive Order 1001. When asked if the outbreak was dangerous, Fauci responded, “Only if you don’t wear a mask.”

Thankfully, ICE officials are taking Fauci’s advice very seriously.

Most alarmingly, virologists have noticed a schizophrenic personality split during the tertiary phase of TMS. Once the brain is infected, victims may:

• Rail against drag queens while sending Grindr messages in airport bathrooms.

• Criminalize abortion while paying for their mistresses’ D&Cs.

• Believe Joe Biden is still president.

• Respond with extreme authoritarian violence to nonexistent threats.

• Exhibit an inability to discern reality from well…melodrama.

Thankfully, public health officials have developed a prophylactic horse paste dewormer that increases critical thinking. The Trump regime has warned that if the epidemic persists, they will declare Martial Law, mobilize federal troops into infected red states, and slap a tariff on brown people.

When questioned how he plans to stop the virus, Trump issued a reassuring public statement:

“We’re gonna do something very big and beautiful, very big, the biggest, bigly, probably, people are saying — people who know, the best people — they’re saying it’s going to disappear, maybe already has, we’re looking into bleach again, very powerful stuff, you wouldn’t believe it, and we’re working with Elon, tremendous brain, he’s got satellites that can sniff this thing out, better than Fauci — who, by the way, should be in jail — along with Crooked Joe Biden. I hear taking a big, beautiful nap helps. You fall asleep sick and wake up…(Falls asleep mid-sentence.)

To track the growing threat to public health, the CDC recommends thought and prayers.

*The World Health Organization (WHO) could not be reached for comment due to being fired.

Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. Subscribe to Conversations with Carlyn for free content every Wednesday, or become a paid subscriber to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.