Love Advice from the Kama Sutra
From love charms to playing hard to get — which ancient advice still works?
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Most people think of the Kama Sutra as the sex positions manual that requires the flexibility of a gymnast and the anatomy of a porn star. (Warning: “The Peg” position may result in a black eye. Just trust me on this one.) But the ancient Indian Sanskrit text was not written to twist couples into torturous pretzels.
The Kama Sutra was written around the third century CE by the Indian philosopher Vatsyayana. The text is a couple’s guide for maintaining lasting love through maximum pleasure.
The sex positions only compose one small chapter out of seven chapters (more on that later...) In fact, much of this two-thousand-year-old text has love advice that will seem ripped straight from the pages of modern magazines.
In Sanskrit, Sutra means “thread,” and Kama means “desire, pleasure, love, or sex.” So let’s follow the thread of desire from this ancient text…
Wait to have sex
Despite the acrobatic positions, the focus of the Kama Sutra is not on penetration. It’s on foreplay and not the sexual kind. It advises a man to romance a woman by taking moonlit walks together, artfully conversing with her, and giving her small gifts like dolls made of buffalo horn.
Ok, ok…giving a grown woman a doll is a bit creepy, but the moonlight walks with stimulating conversation builds intimacy. The brain will always be the biggest sex organ.
For women, the advice is a bit more dubious. The text advises women to tell long stories very slowly (sure, men love that) and never get naked until the man’s feelings are known. (That one is actually good advice.)
But if you don’t want to take ancient love advice, then maybe modern-day research will convince you. According to a 2012 study by Cornell University, couples who waited to have sex reported greater happiness than those who did not.
So yeah, I hate to buzzkill the biggest sex book in history, but it advises abstinence for couples getting to know each other.
Play hard to get
This old chestnut again? I am afraid so.
The text advises women to push men away (at first). The advice: when he tries to kiss you or if he begs for sex, allow him to touch your private parts only with “considerable difficulty.”
For men, the Kama Sutra recommends you play hard to get by yawning in your lover’s face and pulling on your mustache. (Weird, but ok.)
Again, I will shine the harsh light of psychology on this one — not making yourself too available does stir desire. It works partly due to the Scarcity Principle — the mindset where we place more value on rare things.
In one study from Psychological Sciences, “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not . . .”: Uncertainty Can Increase Romantic Attraction, researchers had women view the Facebook profile of an eligible bachelor. They then told one group of women that the man “liked them a lot.” They told another group of women the man liked them an “average amount.” And they told the third group the man was “uncertain of his feelings.”
Guess which group of men the women rated the sexiest? You are not going to like the answer.
The uncertain group. Sadly, humans are drawn to uncertainty over the pleasure of certainty…to a point. If you are constantly stressing someone out, they will eventually get tired of the whiplash and seek calmer ground.
Translation: Most securely attached people want to pair with someone who gives them pleasure, not raises their blood pressure.
Seduction is about the ritual.
There’s nothing left to chance in the Kama Sutra. Every seduction lesson is a carefully orchestrated dance with the correct pillows, parrots, perfumes, and tinkling bells.
Many believe romance just happens, but the Kama Sutra reminds us that romance is a ritual. My parents were married for over fifty-eight years and nailed this one. They had “date night” every Saturday and did this ritual since I was a child. My whole family knew you better be bleeding out if you interrupted their sacred night.
But you don’t have to tickle your lover’s feet with lotus petals every night to get a ritual going. Carving out time for an activity you both enjoy together builds intimacy. It’s very simple advice that many couples forget.
Research will back me up. In one study, men who engaged in public rituals were viewed as sexier partners than men who avoided rituals.
However, rituals don’t need to be public ones. Whether it is playing poker with your friends every Sunday or cooking with your partner every Saturday night, humans are drawn to the magic of rituals. I suspect it is because rituals show consistency and gratitude. When we honor our rituals, we show our partner that we put greatness in small things.
Respect your partner
Although most of the text recommends subjugating women (including what sounds a lot like rape), there is some sage wisdom hidden in the patriarchal nonsense.
For example, the Kama Sutra advises a wife never to use harsh words toward her husband in public but instead confront him in private. Nor should a wife tell others the secrets a man confides to her. Yes. Yes. Ancient advice that both genders should take.
In return, a man (who, btw, is allowed several wives) should not stir jealousy in his women by speaking too highly of one wife over another.
Yes, men. Don’t brag about your other wives. It’s rude!
Don’t take your ex back (unless he got richer)
The Kama Sutra advises women to only return to their former lover if he has acquired “fresh wealth” and is still attached to her.
Venality aside, it offers this piece of wisdom;
“A wise woman should only renew her connection with a former lover if she is satisfied that good fortune, gain, love, and friendship, are likely to be the result of such a reunion.”
Translation — don’t take your ex back unless both of you have matured.
Some weirder advice…
Leave your mark.
There’s some serious roughhousing in the Kama Sutra. The text recommends, “She hit him hard, with the back of her hand.” (Please don’t do that.)
Other advice is somewhat tamer. It suggests you leave light nail marks on your lover’s back in the shape of a “half-moon” or a “peacock’s foot.”
But I am just skimming the surface. The Kama Sutra’s descriptions of biting and marks are very technical. It sounds prescriptive, but it was not. To the ancients, biting was a way to control passions and build anticipation. In other words, the art of foreplay had a little pain, a little pleasure, and a little…I don’t know what is coming next.
Forget ghosting. Cruelty works better.
The Kama Sutra advises a courtesan who wants her lover to hit the road to show “only contempt,” and if he attempts to have sex, she should “laugh at him.”
Ouch. “I have a headache” works too. Interestingly, it offers no advice for men wanting a woman to leave. I guess the man just tosses her out.
Love charms
An ancient form of Viagra advises men to drink milk mixed with sugar and boiled ram balls. Yum.
Men should wear tinkling bells because women are attracted to the sounds. (I promise you…this only works with cats.)
And lastly, a man can make his penis larger by rubbing it with the “butter of a she-buffalo.”
Now, before you chuckle at those silly ancients, buffalo milk has a much higher fat content than cow’s milk and is said to make one heck of a moisturizer. And well….moisturizing any part of your body makes it appear plumper.
Please use your buffalo milk responsibly.
*This article is for entertainment purposes only and is not medical advice.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. If you enjoyed this article, please share this publication with friends. Wednesday’s content is always free. Sunday’s content is available only for paid subscribers.
What are your thoughts? Do you agree with this ancient advice?