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Many of us learn about sexuality through Hollywood. Those scripts usually follow the same narrative arc.
A sweaty couple embraces, limbs intertwining. The man grunts and penetrates her. The woman tilts her head back and moans softly. She grabs the sheets, and they orgasm in unison. Cue the musical crescendo.
Yeah, that woman's chances of orgasming are as likely as a man orgasming from her only playing with his balls.
These sex scripts are damaging because they do not reflect reality. Rarely do we see scenes with direct clitoral stimulation — oral sex or touching the vulva or clitoris. We should all know the pleasure stats by now. Only 18% of women orgasm from penetration alone.
To close the orgasm gap, women have started "The Clit Test" movement to pressure Hollywood to portray female pleasure on screen. To pass The Clit Test, a film must show clitoral stimulation and not solely focus on penetration.
Getting Hollywood to focus on the clitoris is a great place to start, but it won't close the orgasm gap if we don't understand the science of female arousal.
Here are some physical indicators that your partner is about to levitate off the bed.
Sex researchers define arousal in both genders with the Bodily Sensations of Orgasm Scale (BSOS)
The four phases of arousal are:
Phase 1: Excitement —The desire to have sex. A freshly mopped floor or a candlelit dinner always helps.
Phase 2: Plateau —The arousal phase before orgasm. Blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing increase.
Phase 3: Orgasmic — The forceful release of sexual tension, usually marked by rhythmic muscle contractions if she reaches climax.
Phase 4: Resolution — The body slowly returns to a pre-orgasmic state. Congratulations. You can do no wrong at this point. Ask for the moon. Although most women have a short refractory period, their clitoris can be highly sensitive at this stage.
The physical signs differ depending on what phase she is in, and not every woman linearly experiences these phases. For example, sometimes, she can be in the plateau phase but get distracted. Then it is like a wrong turn at Candy Land — you lose a turn in the Chocolate Swamp, and it's back to the Excitement Phase.
Now that we understand the phases of arousal, here are some female arousal clues.
Size matters
The clitoris consists of four main parts — the glans, body, crura, and bulbs. The visible area with the most densely packed nerved endings is the glans clitoris. As usual, we need a visual:
The big O actually starts with the shape of an "O." As blood flow to the clitoris increases, the clitoris expands in length and diameter. This increased blood flow causes the clitoris and labia to swell.
And yes, the size increase is noticeable in most women. The glans clitoris (the visible nub) will grow in size from 50 to 300 percent.
Similar to men, some women are "growers," and some women are "showers." With a grower, you will notice the glans clitoris get larger. With the showers, her glans clitoris is on the larger side already, so it might be harder to detect.
Color changes
Hidden beneath the labia minora and labia majora is the highly sensitive erectile tissue of the clitoral bulbs. (See illustration) When either side of the clitoral bulbs is stimulated, the vaginal lips may darken in color.
This darkening is similar to when blood flow increases to the penis, causing it to turn a reddened or purplish hue.
A woman gets a "hard-on," too
A woman's clitoris also hardens during arousal. It even hardens during REM sleep, similar to a man's nocturnal erections (and just as frequently).
This is called the clitoral erection. Most observant lovers will feel the glans clitoris get firmer.
But there is another advantage to getting her hard. As the internal clitoral bulbs swell, they push against the vaginal walls creating a tighter feel for penis owners. So men who complain about a woman's vagina not feeling tight enough should try turning her on first.
Now you see it…now you don’t
Right before orgasm, the glans clitoris retracts under the clitoral hood. This retraction sometimes confuses men, and they stop direct stimulation. Please don't do this. What if she was performing oral sex on you and removed her mouth five seconds before orgasm? You might lose your orgasm too.
Breast changes
One of the most obvious signs of arousal is the sex flush. During arousal, her nipples get more erect. Depending on how fair she is, you may also see a reddened area between her breasts.
She has eyes only for you
We have all heard the maxim that the eyes are the window to the soul. Well, they are also the window to her orgasmic state.
Our autonomic nervous system regulates pupil dilation. The automatic nervous system is composed of the parasympathetic system ("rest and digest") and our sympathetic system ("fight or flight.”) Think of the sympathetic system as the gas pedal and the parasympathetic system as the brake.
Pupil dilation can occur in both directions. When the parasympathetic system (the brake) is inhibited during a relaxed arousal state, the sphincter muscle constricts, causing dilation. When the sympathetic system (the gas) increases, the dilator muscles increase, also causing her eyes to get doe-like.
A woman's pupil dilation might be part of a complex mating strategy. One study found men were more attracted to women with enlarged pupils, but the same didn’t hold true for women.
Researchers theorized that men need unequivocal signs of arousal while women prefer signs of a more tempered arousal state. (Interestingly, women who reported that they preferred "bad boys" were more likely to be drawn to men with enlarged pupils.)
Either way, if you gaze into her eyes after sex and her pupils are dilated, she is either on drugs or under your spell.
These are NOT signs of arousal
The following physical cues are not as reliable when gauging arousal levels.
Lubrication
As the vascular smooth muscles relax, there may be an increase in vaginal lubrication. But wetness is not always a sign of arousal. This is called arousal non-concordance.
Arousal non-concordance happens when physical arousal (genital response) does not match subjective arousal (mental engagement in sex.)
Sometimes arousal non-concordance happens when a woman is aroused, but her body is not physically responding (i.e., She is not wet, but she is excited.)
Sometimes it can happen when her body shows all outward signs of arousal, but she doesn't feel turned on. (i.e. She is wet but is not feeling aroused.)
In both cases, our bodies and minds are not on the same page. I know…women are complicated.
Moaning
A recent study from The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that moaning, otherwise known as "copulatory vocalizations," did not coincide with female arousal.
Sorry, gentlemen, all that screaming is for show.
You might be asking the next obvious question — why the theatrics? Thankfully, researchers asked the ladies why they screamed like a banshee, even when they were not entirely feeling it.
87% said they moaned to bolster their partner's self-esteem, while 66% of respondents said it was to "speed up their partner's ejaculation." Ouch.
The last reason gets my finger-wagging (and not at the men). Women need to stop assuming that sex ends with the male orgasm. I am sure you haven't orgasmed plenty of times. So why is it a tragedy if he never gets there? It's not. Take a break and resume later.
Next, researchers asked why the ladies were trying to speed up their partner's ejaculation. The reasons cited were boredom, fatigue, roughness, abrasion, and ensuing infection.
Ok, now it is time to lecture the men. For the last and final time…stop penetrating her like you are unplugging a drain pipe. Sure, some women like an occasional fast and hard thrusting (for a limited time), but thrusting does not allow her to squeeze her pubococcygeus (PC) muscles. And the PC muscles are the key to blood flow. No blood flow. No arousal.
Fatigue is understandable. When you get tired, take a break. Or try a position that doesn't require the flexibility and strength of a Kama Sutra master.
Boredom is also fixable. Try a new position, play a sex game, or take sex out of the bedroom.
Ladies, don't expect him to read your mind. Great sex takes great communication. I understand how daunting it can be to communicate your needs. No one wants to feel like a drill sergeant — left, right, harder, softer, ugh! There's nothing sexy about scrutinizing your partner's technique.
But that's why I am a proponent of partnered sex vs. the one-night stand. Your regular partner learns how to please you by regularly pleasing you.
Gentlemen, if you are feeling overwhelmed with all these signs of arousal, here's the best way to know if you are pleasuring her — ask. Remember that sexual arousal is both a physiological and psychological response. It’s why the shortest distance to a pleasurable orgasm is often one emotion — trust.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. If you enjoyed this article, please share this publication with friends. Wednesday’s content is always free. Sunday’s content is available only for paid subscribers.
Now it’s your turn… Have you noticed these signs of arousal in your partner?
Another wonderful article. Thank you . I have sent this to my woman friend also.
She will occasionally ask should she get in position for penetration. I tell her no, I am not done playing with you yet. She’s always happy with that decision.
Wow! I'm not sure I was meant to be aroused by reading this...