Everyone Sucks At Flirting (According to Science)
Research has found most people know when someone is uninterested, but they miss when someone is interested. Here's how to know when someone is flirting.
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My friends tease me that I can never tell when a guy likes me. Once, a guy sent me flowers to make his intentions clear. I immediately informed the delivery person that he had the wrong address because “no one had died.”
Still, it’s better to think someone isn’t interested when they are than to think they are interested when they clearly are not. Fall into the presumptuous category, and you are a creep. Fall into the clueless category, and you are a potential meet-cute story.
And since men still are pressured to play the role of pursuer, the good guys would rather be clueless than creepy. But when one person drops their handkerchief, and the other person fails to pick it up, that Austenesque love story can end in a tragic missed opportunity.
Unfortunately, flirting miscommunications are more common than we think. Communication expert Jeffrey Hall conducted an experiment on college students to determine their ability to interpret flirtation. The study found that men correctly identified flirting 36% of the time compared with only 18% of women. Hall theorized that women give clearer sexual signals than men.
I am not convinced. Fortune (and genetics) favor the bold. So it behooves men to ere on the side of “she must adore me.”
But if you struggle with flirting, here are some research-backed tips on how to avoid cringe-worthy miscommunications.
Forget smiles. Look for the broken neck.
I bet strangers don’t walk up to my male readers and say, “You’re prettier when you smile.” My female readers have probably been commanded to smile more at some point in their lives.
But since women are conditioned to be more agreeable than men, a smile isn’t always an indicator that her ovaries are ready to drop. Women smile to appear friendly. Think of it as a lizard brain holdout from our prehistoric days. Smiling kept us from being bludgeoned to death by the dominant males.
The classic head tilt to one side better indicates female flirtation. Researchers found that the head tilt was the strongest sign of sexual interest in the ‘Facial Action Coding System’ (FACS). That’s science jargon for how our faces communicate emotions such as horniness.
So if her neck suddenly appears broken, she probably likes you.
Flirting is not spamming.
The biggest flirting mistake I see people make is taking a one-size-fits-all approach. These people proclaim that dating is a “numbers game” and then spam their dating app matches with “hey beautiful” messages.
But despite what the pickup artists tell you, there is no skeleton key that will open the right door if you stick it in enough um…locks.
Sorry, spammers, but intimacy takes more than throwing enough shit espresso at the wall to see what sticks. Instead, hone your seduction by mastering the five types of flirting and adjust accordingly.
One caveat: if your flirting styles don’t match, don’t force it. Inauthentic flirtation becomes exhausting. It should feel like a dance, not a marathon.
Don’t bend the plot curve.
Some people are master flirt detectors. With these folks, all it takes is a light touch on the knee and a hair flip, and they can sniff the pheromones in the air. With others…well, let’s just say subtly won’t get the job done.
But if you are unsure how to communicate your interest, start small and build tension. There’s nothing sexy about drooling on a first date.
Unfortunately, we have become a society hardwired for instant gratification. Every text from our new crush fires our dopamine receptors. We are not addicted to the reward but to the uncertainty of the reward.
Consequently, flirtation should make you want to turn the page.
To be clear, I am not suggesting playing games or feigning disinterest. But the most enduring love begins with a tiny flame, not a love bombing conflagration. So save the big guns for later.
Stop assuming men in power will make the first move.
The MeToo movement had its strengths but also created a harmful dichotomous narrative — men in power are most likely to abuse their power.
But a recent study on workplace flirtation disabuses the ole’ blame the patriarchy argument. The study found that men who are lower on the totem pole are more likely to make unwanted sexual advances to their coworkers. In other words, men who feel small are the ones who try to make others feel small.
So, if your kind, hot, successful coworker is not returning your come-hither looks at the office water cooler, don’t assume he is uninterested. Most men in power got to that position by respecting others. It’s very likely that he doesn’t want to risk his career over an office dalliance. Bottom line: tread carefully with office romances.
Ask meaningful, not transactional, questions.
We can thank dating apps for a new type of flirt I call “the mercenary.” They approach dating like drill sergeants and repeat the same mantra over and over—“My time is precious.”
Do you know what is also precious? Your attention. Try giving it to someone for a change.
You will find the mercenary at your local coffee shop killin’ (not in a good way) their dates with their rapid-fire questions:
What do you do for work? (Translation: Are you a provider?)
When was your last breakup? (Translation: how fresh are the corpses in your closet?)
What are you looking for? (Translation: Please give me your dating resume without the existentialist discussion. I am on a time crunch. I have three more coffee dates scheduled after you.)
Listen, I get it. Most people find small talk tedious. But these questions are not skipping the small talk. They are jumping to transaction talk.
If your goal is to commodify attraction, by all means…focus on the resume and not the person. Since no one is having sex anymore, coffee dates have become the new zipless fuck.
There is a solution: ask meaningful questions.
Men should be funny. Women should be amused. Blah, blah, blah.
I hate to give this trite advice, but humor is one of your most valuable flirting tools. Men never believe me, but I will repeat it for the last and final time.
If you make her laugh, you do not need (as much) money, looks, or cheesy pickup lines.
Unfortunately, a new study on 1000 Norway and U.S. students found it only works for men. This study reiterates previous studies. I already covered this one. Sorry, but men are not attracted to funny women.)
But what is always missing in this research is the difference between humor and wit. When someone is humorous, they are flexing their funny muscle for everyone to see. They are trying to amuse someone.
Wit is more subtle. A witty woman turns a clever phrase with one salty turn of her tongue. And her humor is sharp enough to cut both ways. That’s why it is so damn sexy. When someone has wit…well, that’s the sneak attack you never saw coming.
If you are not having fun…
I will leave you with a scene from The Notebook that always makes me vomit in my mouth.
The lead heartthrob, Noah, has a crush on Allie — a girl outside his social strata. But Noah is undeterred by her fancy-pants upbringing. So he hangs from a Ferris wheel and threatens to let go if Allie won’t go on a date with him.
Gross. That’s not flirting. That’s coercion. If a flirtation feels manipulative, then it probably is.
Better yet, imagine if a woman tried this trick. What if a woman stuck her head in an oven and screamed, “I am going to go all Sylvia Plath on you if you don’t take me out to dinner!” Ah, no.
Flirting should be fun for all parties.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. If you enjoyed this article, please share this publication with friends. Wednesday’s article is always free. Sunday’s article is available only for paid subscribers.
I just recently saw the ad for that movie notebook and never thought that the guy hanging from the Ferris wheel was coercing the young lady, but you are right! I would never do anything like that! Nor would I find a cute if a woman did that!
It’s funny how Hollywood can twist it in some extreme way and make it look cute.
I am always weary of psychological studies that use college students as a representative group. Not withstanding, I wonder if ...
>"... a lack of flirting will be more accurately detected in
female targets and the presence of flirting will be more accurately detected in male targets"
remains as an intact theoretical truth as people get older. Here I'm assuming that as we get more experienced in opposite partner relating, we learn to detect the subliminal signals that each-other put out. Or perhaps, we spend so much time in relationship that we forget the about flirting until we need to or want to find new interests? Or maybe I'm going down a rabbit hole and I need to stop.
Anyways, thanks for sparking some intellectual curiosity in me. I love your science-y way of writing about things. And for sharing this interesting study.