7 Phrases That Make You Instantly Likable

Read this article “because” it will turn you into a better conversationalist.

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In linguistics, phatic speech refers to an opening phrase or question designed to form social bonds. Unfortunately, the most alienating phatic conversation starter is one we often use — How are you?

Most people reply “great” or “fine” even if their life is undeniably not fine. We know the asker isn’t really curious about our lives. They are only filling space with lazy small talk. Their goal is not to listen.

Paradoxically, you might think great listeners are more likable, but study after study has found the opposite — we like those who talk more than they listen. Researchers defined this belief that quiet people are more likable as the “reticence bias.”

They hypothesized that we like talkers more than listeners because when we reveal personality traits, it forges commonalities. In other words, we can’t bond with someone if we don’t discover similar traits. Opposites might intrigue, but they rarely stay attached.

The researchers did find that those who dominated the conversation (90 percent speaking) were not as well-liked. The sweet spot between talking and shutting up was around 70 percent talking to 30 percent listening.

This research disabuses the classic Dale Carnegie advice of listen more and talk less. Perhaps the more effective way to “win friends and influence people” is not to always listen but to get others to listen to you. But easier said than done, right?

Here are a few research-backed phrases and questions to have more engaging and intimate conversations.

“I feel so embarrassed.”

Falling on your face with your skirt flying over your head is bound to redden anyone’s face. (Not a personal reference…maybe.) But although those awkward moments might make you feel like a gangly human, your blunders also make you more endearing.

Studies show that when someone admits they are embarrassed, they become more likable. The reason is simple. Researchers found that we view embarrassed people as more trustworthy. Feeling embarrassed shows vulnerability, and vulnerability makes you more authentic.

But there might be another reason why we view embarrassment as a sign of authenticity.