This week, we are discussing flirting styles. On Sunday, we will examine the research behind “body counts.” Do men and women care equally about the number of sexual partners someone has had? The research may surprise you.
Wednesday’s article is always free. Sunday’s article is for paid subscribers only.
Her eyes widen. She licks her lips as her hand flutters to her mouth. Childlike giggles erupt into quakes of bold laughter. She leans forward, her hand touching his knee to steady herself. She knows he understood the gesture.
He knows she likes him.
Or does she? Study after study has found men are more likely to overestimate a woman’s romantic interest in them.
Why are men an easy target for Cupid’s arrows? Some researchers have theorized that men do not read body language as well as women. But that sounds like more neurosexism nonsense.
Others point to biology. Men are more optimistic flirts because they have more to lose from underestimating a woman’s interest. Or to quote Wayne Gretzky, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
In contrast, women have more to lose from overestimating a man’s interest. Can’t waste one of our precious eggs in a fragile basket.
Jeffrey Hall, a University of Kansas professor and author of The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want, has a different theory. He found romantic blunders are caused by men and women misreading each other’s flirting style.
Hall examined over 8,000 respondents worldwide in two separate studies and found flirtation can be classified into one of five categories — physical, playful, sincere, polite, and traditional. According to Hall, most people exhibit a combination of flirting styles but dominate in one or two categories.
Here’s a brief description of the five flirting styles and how to recognize each.
The physical flirt
The sexual exploits of George Gordon Byron (Lord Byron) were as legendary as his writing. Byron had a secret flirting technique that made women stick to him like he was made of Flex Seal — the “underlook.”
When party guests were droning on about some dull topic, he would lower his eyes, wait for a nubile lady to look his way, and then feign utter indifference. Then he would look up and stare intently at her with a piercing, challenging, “we could be doing naughty things right now” stare. It made the room spin.
The physical flirt’s secret weapon is nonverbal communication. They can arrest you with their eyes or their pantherlike strut into a room.
Physical flirts are huggers, kissers, and touchers. Whether it is her hair flip or his manspreading, they take up space with their bodies.
And they like to call attention to their bodies — a low-cut blouse or enough bling to shine in the darkness. Their physical confidence is their strength.
It can also be their weakness. Physical flirts come on strong, and their aggressiveness is not always appreciated by more reticent flirtation styles. One person’s relentless romanticism can be another person’s future restraining order.
Physical flirts believe in love (ahem…lust) at first sight. Hall found they have more one-night stands, more sexual partners, and a lot more sex. Physical flirts were 36 percent more likely to date multiple people at the same time.
Physical flirts are also more likely to think someone is flirting with them when they are not. A cigar is not just a cigar to a physical flirt. They see sex everywhere.
How to recognize a physical flirt
Physical flirts are usually extroverts, so you can find them wherever crowds gather. She will be the one dancing alone at a club. She likes to be watched. He will unabashedly meet your gaze across the bar.
If you meet online, don’t expect a penpal. They want to meet right away. To a physical flirt, sexual chemistry comes first. Chit-chat comes second.
Who they match with
Physical and playful flirts will appreciate each other’s sex appeal.
Who they should avoid
Traditional flirts won’t tolerate their flouting convention. Sincere flirts value friendship and companionship too much.
“Friendship is love without wings.”
― George Gordon Byron
The playful flirt
A playful flirt will flirt just for the sake of flirting. They will flirt to get out of a speeding ticket, skip the line at a club, or score the corner office. It’s all a harmless game where everyone wins — they boost other’s self-esteem and their own.
A playful flirt will tease and use sarcasm. The tease might come in a sexy text or an innuendo delivered with a devilish grin.
But while the playful flirt can be a harmless coquette in some instances; they also can be a manipulator in others. Playful flirts hide their romantic interest and will blow hot and cold. Flirtation is a catch-and-release game.
Playful flirts are as vivacious as the bubbles in their champagne, but their effervescence can fade just as quickly.
How to recognize a playful flirt
Just follow the sounds of laughter, and you will find the playful flirt. They are the life of the party, with an adoring audience surrounding them.
Long-term relationships can be tricky for playful flirts. They enjoy being single, and flirting is like oxygen for them. This does not mean a playful flirt will be unfaithful, but they need a long leash.
Who they match with
Playful flirts enjoy the company of physical and other playful flirts because they all like to have fun.
Who they should avoid
Playful flirts may find sincere, polite, and traditional flirts too somber.
“Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.”
― Mae West
The sincere flirt
Ever meet a stranger and find yourself telling them secrets you wouldn’t even reveal to a friend? Well, you have just been seduced by a sincere flirt.
The sincere flirt knows that all sex begins in the brain. Their brand of seduction is not flashy, but it is enduring.
They live by the maxim — to be interesting, be interested. And they really are interested in you. They ask the best questions, tell the most vulnerable stories (without being too self-effacing), and keep the same friends throughout their lives. For a sincere flirt, seduction is about forming an emotional and spiritual connection.
Hall found that out of all the flirtation styles used by men, sincere flirts were the most successful. This could be because women are most drawn to altruistic men. So that old chestnut about nice guys finishing last is simply not true.
A sincere flirt’s flame burns just as hot as a playful or physical flirt, but it won’t burn down your kitchen. Sincere flirts don’t explode. They smolder.
How to recognize a sincere flirt
They might go to a bar or a club, but they will complain if the music is too loud. Sincere flirts want to talk.
Because sincere flirts value intimate connections, they are more likely to meet someone through a friend vs a dating app.
Words are their sharp weapons. You won’t get a “hi, beautiful” from a sincere flirt on a dating app. Generic compliments are unoriginal and lack a sui generis nature. Sincere flirts are witty conversationalists, but their calling card is always authenticity. You best keep up.
Who they match with
They can get along with everyone, but they form deeper relationships with sincere, polite, and traditional flirts.
Who they should avoid
Playful flirts may bore them. They prefer to go deep while playful flirts skate along the surface.
“The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.”
— Keanu Reeves
The polite flirt
The polite flirt is cautious. They are never needy or try too hard. This is the guy at the end of the night who asks, “Can I kiss you?” He will also call to make sure you got home safely and send a thank you text after a date. Manners matter to a polite flirt.
Expect a slow seduction waltz with the polite flirt. They have a quiet confidence born out of knowing the biggest prize comes not from the pursuit but from patience. Polite flirts will wait an eternity for the right person.
Although polite flirts are usually introverted (or playacting the extrovert), still waters run deep. Never assume a polite flirt won’t get lusty behind closed doors or passionate about their causes.
How to recognize the polite flirt
You most likely won’t. They prefer to avoid crowded spaces like clubs and bars.
If they like you, they will hold the door or bring small tokens of esteem that could be as innocent as a cup of coffee. Don’t expect gushing or love bombing from a polite flirt. If they compliment you, it will probably be on something weird, like your ugly Christmas sweater.
You may miss these subtle signs, but in their cerebral minds, a polite flirt is jumping over gaping chasms to seduce you.
Who they match with
Polite flirts are drawn to sincere and traditional flirts because they like to get to know someone and become friends before developing a romantic relationship.
Although a playful flirt can bring out the more adventurous side of the polite flirt, they don’t always enjoy a playful flirt’s teasing or sarcasm.
Who they should avoid
When a polite flirt matches with another polite flirt, it can be hard to get that rocket launched. They might not even know they like each other.
Polite flirts tend to avoid physical flirts because they prefer to put friendship first. Problems can also arise if the physical flirt disrespects the polite flirt by flirting with others in front of them.
“I’ve never been afraid to fall in love, nor impatient to find it.”
— Trevor Noah
The traditional flirt
The traditional flirt codifies seduction. To a traditional flirt, men should act like men, and women should act like women. This means a man pursues, and a woman is pursued. Period.
A traditional female flirt will demand to be treated like a lady, and a traditional male flirt will expect to be treated like a lord. Everyone must play their role, and you better not ad-lib.
Traditional flirts do not crave novelty. They will pick their favorite restaurants over a trendy one any day.
Love conquers all for a traditional flirt, and they believe in the fairytale. Boy meets girl. Baby and the white picket fence follow.
Surprisingly, Hall found that most traditional flirts were in their 20s, but they lost their traditionalism with age. Perhaps as they gain more experience, they stop looking for shining white knights and damsels in distress.
How to recognize the traditional flirt
A traditional flirt has high ideals, and you better not mess with them. Female and male traditional flirts follow their assigned roles in romance. For this reason, they are more like to meet at places that favor a man taking the lead, such as dating apps (excluding Bumble.)
People often confuse polite with traditional flirts. The difference is a traditional flirt’s actions are immutable. They follow the rules not because it is polite but because that is what tradition demands of them.
Who they match with
Traditional flirts are drawn to other traditional flirts, polite flirts, and sincere flirts.
Who they should avoid
Physical flirts are too promiscuous, and playful flirts don’t play by the rules.
“You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him.”
— Audrey Hepburn
As a final note, flirtation is rarely binary. While most people tend to dominate in one or two flirtation styles, never assume someone is one type of flirt. One minute a playful flirt could be engaging in some lighthearted banter. The next minute…switch into their sincere flirting style with a cerebral debate. Most people move in and out of flirtation styles.
And those multifaceted flirts are probably the most seductive of all — they are never just one thing at one time.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. If you enjoyed this article, please share this publication with friends. Wednesday’s article is always free. Sunday’s article is available only for paid subscribers.
This is important to me, not about flirting. Is there a good way to persuade a partner to an STD blood test?