The Real Reason Witch Hunters Accused Women of Witchcraft
Let this be a lesson to ladies who hide penises in trees.
This article originally appeared in Sexography.
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If you think modern relationship advice is polished garbage, you should have read the malarky in the fifteenth-century self-help books. If a medieval man chose the wrong girl, his penis could end up dangling from a tree. Or so it was believed.
The myth of the “phallic tree” was popularized in the weirdest and undeniably most hateful thing ever written — the Malleus Maleficarum or Hammer of Witches (1486). Its authors were Heinrich Kramer and Johann Sprenger, but most historians credit Kramer as the progenitor of this witch-hunting nonsense. Either way, this fantastical treatise ignited centuries of fear and superstition.
Before its printing, witchcraft was not solely connected to women. In Iceland and other areas, the witch hunts targeted men (warlocks) and women (witches) with equal ferocity. But Kramer needed an outlet for his unbridled misogyny, so the Malleus became his female extermination manual.
We are about to play armchair psychologist…
Like most women haters, Kramer didn’t have much luck with the ladies. There doesn’t seem to be a Mrs. Kramer extolling his creative writing skills in this tale. So Kramer joined the Dominican Order as an inquisitor. His career did not have a promising start.
He especially botched a trial where he tried to convince a judge that some local women were practicing witchcraft. The women were all released, and the judge thought that Kramer was a tad daffy. Enter the Hitler rejected by art school plot twist.
Of course, the judge was right about Kramer's daffiness. After Kramer lost the trial, he wrote the Malleus as his “I hate women” burn book. Unfortunately, he was so passionate about his convictions that many used his guide to detect and torture witches.
Some men used witchcraft accusations to punish young women who sexually rejected them. Other witches were independent women with economic resources or midwives who crossed into the male-dominated realm of medicine.
Single menopausal women were especially terrifying. To live that long without a man had to be sorcery. Consequently, many accused witches were older women who dared to buck the patriarchy and never marry.
One thing is certain…witchy women had a lot of sex. Kramer referred to women as duplicitous “pythons” who became witches because of their overabundant sexual energy.¹ He writes, “All witchcraft comes from carnal lust, which in women is insatiable.”²
At the time, women were perceived as more libidinous than men. And part of being all lusty pants is that women couldn’t control their sexual urges. Inevitably, this uncontrollable lust led to some really kinky sex with Satan.
Most of the book’s accusations are so fantastical they seem like satire. But it’s not. Witches stole semen from men and inseminated themselves. They dined on babies and then smeared the baby juice onto flying chairs and brooms. They hexed people with sterility and stillbirths. And most terrifying, they made a pact with the devil that caused men to lose their erections.
In other words, Kramer launched a terrorist campaign that cleverly played upon men’s greatest fear — impotence.
Not only did wicked women make men impotent, but these Femme Fatales could also make their penis shrivel up and disappear. Some women even stole penises from their suitors, kept them as pets, and fed them oats and other nutritious grains.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Penis pets seem like way too much work. Why not just keep the penis pet on the man? Then you only have to feed the man and not the penis pet. Steal his penis, and you have two mouths to feed. Duh. (Incidentally, I wanted to title this article “The Lost Penis Pets,” but my internal editor said no.)
Oddly, it made perfect sense to Kramer. In Malleus, he cites three examples of penis theft. In all three accusations, witches didn’t just chop off dicks. Oh no, that might leave some forensic evidence. No, these women castrated men by “concealing it with some glamour.” One minute, the poor guy had his manhood, and the next minute — hocus pocus glitter glamour…gonads gone. (Incidentally, I wanted to name this article “Gone Gonads, Gone,” but…)
Fortunately, Kramer offered some solutions (because medieval men were problem solvers, too). He assured his readers that their dicks were not really gone. They are just hanging out in the elusive penis tree.
As a woman who has never contemplated stealing dicks (promise), I gave this one some thought. If I were to start a penis collection, I wouldn’t hang them in a tree. That is so crass! What would the neighbors think when I upstage their apple trees and rose gardens with my dick shrubbery? Rude!
Moreover, aren’t witches supposed to be sneaky? It is utterly illogical to think witches would flaunt their trouser trophies. But these were not logical times.
And thanks in part to Johann Gutenberg’s new printing press, the Malleus became an instant bestseller with 28 editions. Unfortunately, although the printing press led to the spread of information, it also led to the spread of misinformation. After the books’ printing, from around 1450 into the seventeenth century, approximately 60,000 people (primarily women) were tortured and murdered for witchcraft.
That’s a lot of dicks hanging out in trees.
To be fair, penis trees were around before Kramer wrote the Malleus. For example, nuns gather penises in baskets in the fourteenth-century manuscript above.
As always, women are relegated to the gathering and not the hunting. And in this bawdy berry/penis-picking illustration, why are the heads of the penises red? Everyone knows that when you go penis-picking, you don’t pick the overripe ones.
Clearly, I am giving this too much thought. As Kramer reminds his readers, “When a woman thinks alone, she thinks evil.”³ And I have a predilection for lonely, wicked thoughts.
Here is one— all it takes is one flame-throwing fruitcake to spread the seeds of misogyny, and then trees start sprouting dicks.
Sources and further reading:
(1) Mackay, 156.
(2) http://faculty.tamuc.edu/slstewart/MalleusMaleficarum.htm
(3) Mackay, 206.
Mattelaer, Johan J. “The Phallus Tree: A Medieval and Renaissance Phenomenon” Journal of Sexual Medicine, VOLUME 7, ISSUE 2, P846–851, FEBRUARY 01, 2010,
Smith, Moira. “The Flying Phallus and the Laughing Inquisitor: Penis Theft in the ‘Malleus Maleficarum.’” Journal of Folklore Research 39, no. 1 (2002): 85–117
Mackay, Christopher S. The Hammer of Witches: A Complete Translation of the Malleus Maleficarum. United States, Cambridge University Press, 2009.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. If you enjoyed this article, please share this publication with friends. Wednesday’s content is always free. Sunday’s content is available only for paid subscribers.
Carlyn,
I want you to know that I subscribed to you because I thought you had a bit of character within you!
This article is absolutely hands-down, the most brilliantly written about history, and absolutely comical! Your insight on history, and adding your twisted humor is absolutely impressive! I would absolutely adore having you as a friend in my life! You are truly a shining light of humor, and you put a smile on my face every time I read one of your articles.
I lost my sister last year and she had a sense of humor and was very intelligent as I see that you are! I miss her so much, she got Covid and couldn’t make it. But I am grateful that I have you at least in my life! You’re just a little bit of my sister! 😉