Should a Woman Chase or Choose a Man?
Hippocrates got it wrong. Darwin got it sort of right. And my Grandma Ella nailed it.
I am experiencing some health problems this week, so this article is a re-post from 2021 and is free for all subscribers. I promise to return with original content next week. In the meantime, let’s get some dating wisdom from my beloved Grandma Ella.
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Hippocrates believed if a woman chased a man, she would grow a penis. This superstition endured into the Renaissance.
If that were true, I would have a swinging, nine-inch dick by now. But alas, nothing bulging below…yet. Sorry, Hippocrates. You got that one wrong.
But we have all chased someone. And it doesn’t always have a happy ending. According to a recent survey, 93% of respondents were rejected by someone they chased. In those heady days of infatuation, we will wear out our Nikes for the right partner.
But women who take the initiative are often castigated by the “The Rules” police. From the bunny boilers to the too-frequent texters, women who chase wear the Scarlett A—Aggressor. As the popular dating advice goes, “Act like a lady,” and whatever you do…never chase a man.
But is it chasing or choosing we should be focusing our efforts on?
What Darwin got sort of right
Darwin plucked out enough peacock feathers to conclude that the female chooses and the male chases. He first developed his theory of sexual selection in The Origins of Species when he observed narwhals sparing with their long horns to win the female. Ever since we have been focused on the size of the sword.
But Darwin also understood something fundamental about sexual selection — the aggressive male didn’t always get the girl. The female could still spurn the male’s advances even after he won his battle.
From here, he theorized that females choose males based on certain aesthetics that demonstrated reproductive health. When the drab female duck paddled over to the colorful male drake…it was love at first sight.
But Darwin also believed the female takes a greater risk in choosing wrongly — nine and a half months of pregnancy. Therefore, biology favored promiscuity in men more than women. This did nothing for the women’s movement.
Darwin’s theory wrapped sexual selection up with a neat, suffocating bow. Except humans are not birds choosing the brightest plumage. There are subtler cultural influences at play.
What Darwin got wrong.
In a study on speed dating, evolutionary psychologists Eli J. Finkel and Paul W. Eastwick threw that age-old cultural wrench into the debate.
In a typical speed dating scenario, women stay seated at their table, waiting for the men to approach. The men rotate around the room, spending their allotted time at each table. In this setup, the researchers found that women were more selective than men on whom they matched with.
But then Finkel and Eastwick reversed the setup. They instead had men stationary and the women move from table to table.
And that’s when something interesting happened. By reversing the typical gender stereotypes, men in the passive seated role became more selective. Conversely, women moving from table to table in the active role became less selective.
In other words, whoever was doing the least work chasing became the most choosy.
Fortune favors the bold…in both genders
Evolutionary biologists will argue that men chase because they are programmed to take more risks. Men hunt. Women gather. Hunters have a greater risk of being disemboweled by predators. Gathers merely have to avoid choosing the wrong berries.
But society has conditioned us to perceive only men as the risk-takers. They gamble more, drive faster, and are more likely to get in a barroom brawl. And no one knows where nurture vs. nature divides the debate.
But as the speed dating study showed — our investment in another is not completely tied to gender. Our brains do not develop in a vacuum. Our environment plays a huge (and often immeasurable) influence.
In other words, what we risk reveals what we value. And both genders will take that risk for the right person.
Don’t confuse chasing with choosing.
Research has found that when people are faced with a tough decision, they are less motivated by the reward than by choosing wrongly. In other words, we fear losing the prize more than we value the prize.
Think of a dog chasing its tail. Dogs chase their tails for one reason — boredom. The solution — don’t lead a boring life. Lead a life full of passion, friendships, kindness, self-respect, and discipline. No one with a full life wastes their time chasing people who make them feel unworthy.
Usually, if it feels like you are working too hard, you probably are. And that work is taking away from leading your best life.
A confident woman knows she is a prize-worthy investment. She doesn’t sit around and wait for a man to slay dragons for her. But once she chooses him, she expects him to choose her back.
“A woman should focus on the choice. Not on the chase.”
Don’t be the princess in the tower.
My Grandma Ella’s words often ring in my ear, “A woman should focus on the choice. Not on the chase.” But how active a role should a woman play in that choice?
You might remember the story of Rapunzel — the long-haired princess in the tower. Rapunzel is a woman trapped in a cage of her own making. She uses her sexuality (her hair) to entice men. And to win that prize, the brave knight must climb one very tall tower.
Rapunzel is hard to get, but she is not free. She is sitting in her tower waiting for a man to rescue her. And that is not a choice. It is wanting to be chosen.
What my Grandma Ella was really saying was that chasing could distract you from making a sound choice. Chasing a man is very different from choosing him. When we chase, we are doing all the work. We are investing in someone who is not investing back. There is a difference.
But women who expect a man to go through the Labors of Hercules to win her are playing a passive role. This passivity might work, but it only works on a particular kind of male. He’s the love-bombing, insecure, immature male who values infatuation more than mature love.
Chasing a man is very different from choosing him. When we chase we are doing all the work. We are investing in someone who is not investing back. There is a difference.
Everyone knows the pain of unrequited love. But when you meet someone who chooses you…you feel cherished. You want to be a better person. You dust off that novel that you have not finished writing. Take that class you were afraid to take. You eat better. Drink better. And make love like it might be your last night.
Lust is powerful. It may drive us to pursue. But love is what makes us run toward each other.
That choice is yours.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. If you enjoyed this article, please share this publication with friends. Wednesday’s article is always free. Sunday’s article is available only for paid subscribers.
Feel better.
I was not reading your work back then, so it will be read as if new.
Oh, by the way, I will read it after watching two male cardinals chase one female cardinal outside my window for hours...
Mother nature is certainly more informed than Hippocrates.
Very astute and I agree with your thoughts. In the end, those who chase will probably fail to find a loving, enduring relationship.