Number 9 on the Proust Questionnaire Can Save (or Destroy) Relationships
Let's have this very salty debate.
![Number 9 on the Proust Questionnaire Can Save (or Destroy) Relationships Number 9 on the Proust Questionnaire Can Save (or Destroy) Relationships](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F10071eb1-c8f1-4b38-8a20-ed5906cb979e_700x467.jpeg)
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I recently watched a hilarious TikTok video of a woman making her husband chili while he is watching football in the living room. She lifts the spoon and pours in enough salt to pickle a corpse. Then, she proudly walks into the living room and asks her husband to try her "new recipe."
Her husband swallows the chili, and you can hear the poor bastard crunching on the salt. His eyes water and he struggles not to grimace.
But when she asks for his opinion, he pretends there is nothing wrong with her meal and sheepishly tells her that maybe it could use a bit more "meat and sauce."
This video spawned its share of copycat videos of wives pushing their husband's sodium levels. Would men lie to avoid hurting their partner? Or would they criticize their partner's cooking?
We have all been there. Sometimes, your partner asks you to critique their outfit, cooking, hobby, or, god forbid…sexual skills.
This tricky dilemma is so ubiquitous that it's number 9 on the infamous Proust Questionaire — "On what occasion do you lie?"
First, a reminder from the legal department: A gritty substance hidden in a sauce is a choking hazard. And raising sodium levels too quickly can cause life-threatening brain swelling.
Not to mention, pranking your partner for TikTok views is a clear sign of a garbage human. Please don't do this to someone you love.
Now, back to the debate…
Most commenters did not see eating salty chili to keep the peace as an act of love. They called the husband a "simp" and lambasted him for not having enough balls to tell his wife her meal had the ratio of salt to food off. One commenter wrote, "This is half the reason people get stuck in bad marriages cuz they just go along with shit instead of speaking up."
Yes, he is right. Some marriages would be stronger if we communicated our grievances…with kindness and respect.
But there is another side to this salty debate. Sometimes, what you don't say matters as much as what you do. There's an art to keeping your mouth shut.
Relationship guru John Gottman will back me up. In over 50 years of studying couples in his lab, he has found criticism so detrimental to relationships that he has labeled it one of "the four horsemen." Gottman contends that criticism opens the floodgates to the other three horsemen — contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Unfortunately, in many relationships, complaints become criticisms over time, especially if the complainer feels unheard. And we often misunderstand the difference between a complaint and a criticism.
An example of a common complaint: "I wish you would help more with the housework. A freshly made bed makes me want to rip off your clothes and dirty the sheets." (I might have used that one.)
Complaints voice desires. A complaint is a wish to improve your relationship (or chili). A complaint typically starts with "I" or "we."
Complaints are very different from criticism.
A criticism places blame. For example, "You never help with the housework." Or even worse, "you are (insert character assault — lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, etc.)" A criticism typically starts with "you" and often entails an ad hominem argument.
And it's not always big criticisms that harm relationships. Sometimes, those small, nagging, death-by-a-thousand-cuts snipes tear down love. Too many molehills can quickly become mountains. Don't let your relationship die on a stupid molehill.
Unfortunately, many people are unaware when they are being critical, or they gaslight their partner and say it is "constructive criticism."
Sure. Constructive criticism is still criticism.
Another distinction is that complaints are often voiced privately, while criticisms are often in public.
For example, I bet the wife in this video didn't see her salty chili test as critical, but there is truth in every jest. Her prank publicly mocked her husband's agreeableness — a trait she is fortunate to have found in a partner. She might as well have slapped a dunce cap on him.
If you love someone, don't mock them in public. It's manipulative and cruel. Your partner may laugh the first time. But not the second or third.
To be clear, complaints couched in good-natured teasing keep relationships spicy. But that teasing should be private jokes spoken in your relationship's secret language. When your partner's quirky peccadilloes or annoying habits are made public, you risk tearing down intimacies that took time and vulnerability to build.
Now, I am not saying your partner shouldn't handle criticism with aplomb. You should always feel comfortable speaking your truth, especially if silence might lead to coronary heart failure. Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries.
Unfortunately, most people must absorb plenty of criticism from coworkers and bosses. They don't want more from their partner. So, after a stressful workday, a dirty dish in the sink doesn't need to be your relationship's casus belli.
But here's the tricky part. Too many people are peacemaking souls (you know who you are) who will swallow a mouthful of salt to avoid confronting their partner. Don't be that person.
There's a big difference between one dirty dish left in the sink and one left in the sink every day after you have communicated that it makes your blood boil. That's when you must sit your partner down and tell them you feel unseen. Forget the dirty dishes. The issue is not the issue. The issue is that every time your partner leaves that dish in the sink, you feel disrespected. Communicate that. You have to give people a chance to do better. And love is an endless act of doing better.
Because I will tell you what happens if you always stay silent — little lies become big ones. And then your answer to the Proust question of “What occasion do you lie?” is every day in my relationship.
Honesty is a lot like salt. Not enough makes a relationship bland. Too much raises your blood pressure. But just enough will bring out any relationship's flavors.
“If we had no faults, we should not take so much pleasure in noting those of others.” — François de La Rochefoucauld
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. Subscribe to Conversations with Carlyn for free content every Wednesday, or become a paid subscriber to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.
Lovely woman! Anyone in your circle must love you!