A Simple Approach For More Honest Sex Conversations
Everyone comes with a sex manual. Here's how to read your partner's.
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Whenever an important truth is spoken between two people, I call it a "manual moment." In matters of the heart, manual moments instruct on how to handle your partner's heart. In matters of sex, manual moments instruct on how to handle your partner's body.
Here are a few tips to better understand your partner’s sex manual.
Constructive criticism isn't constructive without a blueprint
Taking constructive criticism is never easy. But taking or giving sex criticism…well, you might as well napalm bomb your sheets.
Handle people's egos like you are handling a Fabergé egg — a bold, beautiful, and extremely fragile thing.
Beautiful sex never begins with a broken ego.
We have all heard of the constructive criticism sandwich. You begin with the positive, sandwich in the negative, and end with another positive. This timeless advice is so effective, yet many don't know how to make a freakin sandwich.
One way to start is to tell your partner, "I really love when you XYZ." Or "I love XYZ so much I want XYZ more."
And then, when you get to the sandwich's meat, state it as a wish. "I wish we did…" or "I would love to try…"
Do not use the word "but." Do not say, “I love when you do blah blah blah…but." Nothing wounds more than but. There are no "buts" in sex discussions.
Unless there is abuse or problematic behaviors, keep the discussion light, playful, and optimistic. You can’t build your dream house without beginning with an imaginative blueprint.
Timing is important
We have all heard the expression, "Never go to bed angry." It’s horrible one-size-fits-all advice. Sorry, but sometimes you must take a breather from problems to address them later. And there is something manipulative about making your partner discuss a relationship issue while sleep-deprived. That's some serious KGB torture shit.
The same goes for sexual problems. If you wouldn't discuss relationship problems while tired, don't discuss sexual problems while horny.
To be clear, if someone is hurting you or acting disrespectfully…sure, let the hammer fall. But if your partner needs a bit more coaching on your arousal, don't bring it up during arousal.
Reasoning requires your prefrontal cortex to stay online. Unfortunately, the rational part of our brain is offline during sex.
Increase your erotic intelligence.
Machiavelli said, "The sign of intelligence is awareness of one's own ignorance." Unfortunately, many people (not my readers) walk around not knowing their parts. Imagine putting together a table without knowing what a table leg is. You wouldn't get far.
Better yet, ask ten people how large the clitoris is. I guarantee at least one will describe it as a "nub" or "button" and not the same size as a penis.
You can't pleasure your partner if you can't visualize the shape and size of your partner's anatomy.
As an artist, before I draw any human form, I hold the pose in my mind's eye. If my subject is sitting, I imagine how the chair feels against their buttocks or straightens their back. You don't need to be an artist to visualize your partner's anatomy. But you do need to have a visual reference.
Men need to learn about the difference between the internal and external clitoris. Visualize the inner portions of her clitoris engorged with blood and how her arousal narrows the vaginal canal. And don't forget about the G-spot.
Women must visualize the sublime and truly fascinating workings of the penis and testicles. Picture the erectile tissue in the corpus cavernosa filling with blood and hardening his penis.
Science is so damn sexy.
Play the "Would You Rather" game
Some of us need a playful way to approach sex conversations because we are not that bold.
That's why I recommend playing the "Would You Rather" game to uncover your partner's secret desires. There's something less daunting about asking someone do you prefer X or Y vs. asking a yes or no question.
Here are some sample sex questions to get you started (I recommend starting with the less racy ones first):
Would you rather have sex in the morning or the night?
Would you rather I use only my tongue or hands to pleasure you?
Would you rather be woken up with oral or penetrative sex?
Would you rather be tied up or be the one doing the tying?
Would you rather give up sex or your favorite food for a month?
Of course, these questions are pretty tame. Depending on how intimate you are with your partner, you can turn up the volume.
Find a gentler "no"
Your partner initiates sex, and you are not in the mood. But saying no is tantamount to ego death, so you acquiesce. At that moment, you just dolled out the dreaded pity sex. And your partner knows it. Maybe not at first, but they will in the long term.
A better solution is to offer nonsexual intimacy. Yes, sometimes we want sex just because we are horny, but usually, sex is about connection. Find another way to connect. Try offering a back rub or cooking their favorite meal when you have more energy.
And assuming sexual dysfunction is not the issue, offer or request a raincheck. The most important thing to communicate to your partner is just because you are not feeling all lusty pants at that moment doesn't necessarily mean you won't later.
Sexual maturity requires you to communicate your boundaries without hurting your partner. And that's not easy. This is one manual moment that you can't fix every nail with a hammer um…bang.
But trust me on this one. The seeds of resentment are planted with rejection. Be very careful rejecting your partner.
Always update the manual
I bet you can think of a food you hated as a kid and now love. Sexual tastes are similar to food — they change over time.
That's why it is essential to constantly check in with your partner on the current state of their sexual desires. Some sexologists recommend a once-a-month “sex meeting” to reexamine your sex life. Personally, this feels a little too rigid to schedule sex meetings like a performance review, but an unplanned sex check-in at the right romantic moment will help you stay connected.
Desires change. Maybe your partner hated butt play in the past and is now curious. Or maybe they want to incorporate some sex toys or new positions. Or maybe the sexual act they once loved is no longer doing it for them. There's nothing sexier than sustained curiosity. Mindblowing sex is mutable sex.
Some of us treat our partners like wooden chairs that only change with wear and tear. Instead, think of them like Stradivarius violins that need constant tuning and maintenance.
Immanuel Kant believed we should always praise what is hard to do. And there is nothing harder than talking about sex.
However, I must leave you with one word of caution: Many partners' sexual shyness stems from sexual trauma or religious shame (guilty!), so always proceed carefully. If your partner isn't open to sex discussions, understand there might be another reason besides sexual disinterest. Withdrawal isn't always prudishness or lack of desire.
Some people's sex manuals are as simple as slapping together an Ikea bookcase, and some are more complicated than fixing a Vacheron Constantin 57260 watch. So always adjust conversations depending on the person and situation. And never force a sex discussion.
Talking about sex seems simple, but it is never easy. But I promise you this. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. Subscribe to Conversations with Carlyn for free content every Wednesday, or become a paid subscriber to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.
Oddly, I read this with the voice of Whisltedown (sp?) in my mind. I think you are successfully creating your own Beccialand productions. Grosvenors square is so far away.
Thank you - Nice read and yes, the manual always needs updating.
"...lusty pants..." good one, Carlyn.